From Pain to Purpose: Healing Sexual Trauma with Cindy Benezra

What happens when childhood trauma resurfaces in adulthood? Join us as Cindy Benezra bravely shares her story of enduring sexual abuse by her father and the path she took toward healing. From the early coping mechanisms she developed, like dissociation, to the moment she confronted her father and navigated the complex relationship with her mother, Cindy's journey is a testament to strength and resilience. Cindy's book, "Under the Orange Blossoms," serves as a beacon of hope and a guide for those looking to understand and recover from their own traumas.

We also explore the critical role of therapy and open dialogue in addressing deep-seated issues of abuse.  This episode emphasizes the necessity of recognizing various forms of child abuse and setting personal boundaries, even within the family unit. Reflecting on the emotional and psychological toll of writing about one's trauma, we discuss how to find purpose amidst pain and the importance of sharing these stories to catalyze change and healing.

Finally, learn practical techniques for managing anxiety and stress, from energy work to grounding practices. Discover how simple actions like visualizing energy or using self-soothing hand placements can make a significant difference in your daily life. We underscore the importance of setting positive intentions each morning and harnessing the power of community in our collective journey toward empowerment and resilience. Join us for an episode filled with transformative insights and heartening advice on healing and thriving despite a painful past.

Connect with Cindy:

Cindy Benezra is an author, inspirational speaker, entrepreneur, and sexual abuse advocate. She is the author of the newly released memoir, Under The Orange Blossoms.

Cindy is the founder of CindyTalks™, a platform where she discusses healing tools and stories of hope for other trauma survivors. She engages with her readers through honesty, humility, and genuine care for those who have walked a similar path.

Cindy is also the co-founder of a luxury event company, where she spends much of her time creating beautiful spaces for some of the most important events in people’s lives. Her eye for style and design has won Elite Events numerous awards and spotlight features. Currently, Cindy and her husband reside in Seattle, Washington, and are parents of four adult children.

Chapters

• 0:00 Healing From Childhood Sexual Trauma
• 11:55 Reclaiming Inner Strength
• 21:17 Finding Boundaries With Family Trauma
• 25:55 Empowering Through Setting Boundaries
• 32:39 Healing Through Awareness and Education
• 48:18 Healing Through Self-Love Mantras
• 1:03:16 Journey of Self-Healing and Empowerment

Transcript

Rose: 0:00

My guest today is Cindy Benezra, a wife, mother, friend and author. At a young age, Cindy was sexually abused by her father. She's passionate about bringing awareness to the impact of sexual trauma through meaningful conversations. From a young age, she displayed strength, will and resilience. Will and resilience. She's compassionate and understands how sexual abuse can reshape a family's dynamics, let alone the victim's. In her book Under the Orange Blossoms, an inspirational story of bravery and strength, cindy shares her personal story and how, in the end, she was able to forgive her father, and that contributed to her healing. She's the founder of Cindy Talks, a platform where she discusses healing and stories of hope for other trauma survivors. She engages her readers through honesty, humility and genuine care for those who have walked a similar path.

Rose: 1:10

Welcome to Chat Off The Mat, the podcast that explores the transformative journey of healing and self-discovery where energy, spirituality, mind and body intersect. Hi, I'm your Rose Wippich , and I invite you to join me and explore ways to invite more holistic practices into your life. I will feature experts and practitioners who provide insights, tips and practical advice. From Reiki to Qigong, Chakra balancing to Shamanism, this podcast will be your guide to understanding how these practices can lead to more harmony and greater energy. Whether you're seeking stress relief, emotional balance or a deeper connection to your authentic self, chat Off the Mat. Provide you with insights and inspiration. Let's start discovering the possibilities that lie within you. Start discovering the possibilities that lie within you. Welcome, cindy, I'm really grateful that you're here.

Cindy: 2:10

It is so good to be here. It really is an honor. So we'll begin just if I can ask you a little bit about yourself and if you can share with us your story. Yeah, so I wrote a book. It's a self-help memoir and it's about sexual abuse, sexual assault and the journey of what I went through as a child and how it affected me throughout my life, and the value and the lessons that I indirectly learned through this process.

Rose: 2:47

Yeah, so you were quite young when you were sexually abused and you were abused by your dad. Can you share with us what point in your life you realized that that happened to you?

Cindy: 3:11

So I was abused let's see here from basically from five to 10, which even every time I say this, I'm still shocked. I still feel like I feel sick to my stomach even just knowing that. But it was from my father and I didn't recognize that I had been abused, to be honest, because I blocked it out. I had I dissociated and as far as if you asked me when I was a teenager, I would have told you that I had a life of swimming holes and Barbie dolls and I lived in Arizona. I would go swimming every day and play with my Barbies. I knew I didn't like my father. I found him to be a very violent person, but I dissociated what had happened and at the time I was very well.

Cindy: 4:05

Years later I was very upset that I had dissociated and I didn't recognize to what levels. I still struggled with and I even had to look up the word dissociation in Webster's dictionary at the time because I couldn't figure out what was going on with me. But it was, in a sense, a gift. It's where your brain just completely blocks out, shuts down and you're able to go on through your daily routines. And when I recognize that now, in hindsight, I think I would have never been able to really just exist unless I had gone through this dissociation. And when it came back it was because I became sexually interested, active at 17. I was active and that's when it started to unfold. I was active and that's when it started to unfold.

Cindy: 5:04

It came back in a dream form. So in my dreams I would have night terrors and it started to unfold and this process was, from what I hear is, very common. It's just like someone who had gone to war and been traumatized, just in general, and it would come back in little pieces and the pieces it felt like if you were to break a glass, like on your mirror, like you were able to hit your fist on the glass and it broke into perfect little shards and some of them were not so perfect. But I would write down my dreams and through my dreams I was able to piece all the little broken shards of glass together and it became whole.

Cindy: 5:54

And in that process I really thought I was going crazy because I didn't understand why I was dreaming such horrific things about my father. I would go to my mother and say you know, did anything happen? Did dad touch me? And my mom would say well, why would you say this? And you know, later on it was like, why are you stirring the pot? And I could tell that she felt guilty, but I think her life was just going just fine. And later on I did confront my dad and in that confrontation I recognized that these dreams, as I put them all together, that they were real. And I recognized by his response.

Rose: 6:40

Yeah, so at an early age that happened to you. You had these dreams. You started to piece things together, you felt you were crazy and then you approached your dad. But how did he make you feel, did I mean? When you approached him, did he almost tell you once again that you know? Like what are you talking about? Are you crazy? Did you did? Did he try to make you believe you were, that you were crazy, that these were made up things?

Cindy: 7:10

Well, I certainly felt crazy. And first of all, just to stand up to somebody who is violent, who is just a terror. I mean, he wasn't that way always. I mean he did have calm periods and I could talk to him just like he. You know, we are right now.

Cindy: 7:27

Not every family member is perfect and we all have our shortcomings, but his shortcoming was really true violence. And so just to sit there and look across the table and say, okay, I'm having these night terrors and this is I didn't give perfect detail, but I just said, did you touch me? You know, did you? Did you do this? And I kind of recalled this and he's like how did you? You know, where are you getting this? And I would say from a dream. And if you think about somebody who you know, if you think about just that, well, from a dream or from dreams, it would be laughable. You would, you would probably go what you know, it's laughable.

Cindy: 8:11

And then I became insistent and I was calm and I had rehearsed it and I really tried to center myself so that I could look at him and try to find the truth, and try to find the truth in him and try to find the truth in myself and I think that was something that I really yearned for. So I focused so hard not to lose, not to cry, not to yell, not to get upset, but to really find the truth in this horrific outcome. And when I was talking to him he was like, well, maybe you read it in a book, maybe you saw it in a movie. He started giving you know plausible ways of why I came up with this. And then it was sort of he was a little defensive, like why would you do this? You know, you know I love you. You know, why would you think these things? And I started to feel the guilt. And then, um, then it was laughter and like, oh, you're crazy. And then like shaming.

Cindy: 9:19

And when I started to go through the whole range of all these different scenarios and watching him, I thought, my goodness, he gets an Academy Award. And I could feel it in my gut and just in and pause where I recognized like no, I know, I know this is real and I cannot be having these dreams and listening to him kind of going through these cycles. And when he said, are you okay? You know, maybe you're not like insinuating that maybe I was mentally ill.

Cindy: 10:10

And at that point when I looked at him, I paused at him and I just thought, okay, I'm not going to lose it. I mean I would count to three, which is kind of funny, three was all that it took and in my mind I would count to three. And then I would look at him and we just stared at each other and in that moment I thought, no, like it was a moment of empowerment. And then I just sat back and just looked at him and I knew, I just knew, and I don't think I had anything to say. I just got up and left.

Rose: 10:54

So at a very young age and I read your book and I mentioned beforehand, before we hit the record button, that truly powerful book and to a point where I was inspired by your resilience throughout the whole book and addressing this and healing from it. But I know at a young age I could tell you were very intuitive and, as you're describing here, you basically saw through the BDS that your father was giving you right, trying to deflect, and how were you able to create? So you knew in your gut, you know. So you knew. So that was almost like a first line of defense, creating a border or a barrier. How did you create a barrier or a border to protect you from this label that he was trying to give you and convince you of and moving forward in your life with him around you? How were you able to live your life knowing that this was happening or that happened?

Cindy: 11:43

How do you live with a monster? That is a big thing, you know. Being trapped and living with a monster in you know I knew I couldn't survive at a young age on my own. I just knew I couldn't do it as much as I had run away. I can't even tell you. Countless times I would run away and pack my little suitcase and make it to the end of the block and the neighbors would always say where are you going, cindy, wendy? And I was saying I'm running away, and that happens so often. It's countless amounts of time and everybody knew in the neighborhood I was packing my bag and I was leaving. I just liked the idea of just going someplace else. But I really, even then I knew like where was I going to live?

Cindy: 12:26

Like on, I lived in rural Arizona, you know, with the cactus, and it was desert and there was. There was nowhere to go. I don't even we rarely went into the city. So within that I did have a lot of time to, I think, just being quiet and having a lot of time to look at.

Cindy: 12:48

Maybe, in a sense, when you're forced through trauma, I think there's a lot of things. We spent a lot of time. We're imprisoned in our mind. I think you could say so. We spend a lot of time in our mind, spend a lot of time in our mind thinking and processing and observing everybody around you. We become hypervigilant, we look around, we're looking at nature, we're looking at friends, we're looking at all parents, who's safe, who's not safe, and we also sometimes recognize that we're trapped. We are trapped physically, that we're trapped, we are trapped physically and we're trapped in our mind.

Cindy: 13:28

And I think in that time I was able just to tap into a lot of things within myself, even very young.

Cindy: 13:38

I would say never underestimate a young person, young person.

Cindy: 13:48

I also believe that we are innately born with these beautiful intuitive tools and we have the skill set and it's a matter unfortunately, you know, I tapped into mine a little bit earlier through trauma and I don't believe that we have to do that through trauma.

Cindy: 14:05

I believe that we all have that. I think it's just finding now I could see it's finding stillness, stillness in your body, making the time we don't need a lot of time, really, honestly, five minutes and if you want to call it spacing out just to find stillness within your body. And if it's daydreaming, people used to say you're daydreaming, but the daydreaming was really a time where I was able to tap into myself and later on it became a lot more, where it became meditation and journaling, and then I found a lot of ways to find what is my truth, what feels safe, what you know, these people around me, looking at them and evaluating them. I think that's when I was able to recognize like, who can I count on? And, unfortunately, when you're in such a severe traumatic place, sometimes yourself is the only person that you could sort it out with.

Rose: 15:10

I know you told me once because I told you I was very intuitive at a young age, and you said to me that lots of times your intuition comes because of the trauma that you've experienced. Because of the trauma that you've experienced, you know, and what I'm hearing is that you created a safe space, a safe environment for yourself through daydreaming or through just going within, becoming more self-aware of what's happening and just a day by day, right, right, and I know you're very close to your family and probably what kept you coming back and not running away was that you had a sister who was younger than you, or younger younger and you were close to your mom.

Cindy: 15:56

Very close to my mom.

Rose: 15:57

Yeah, and your mom was aware of the abuse you feel or you know.

Cindy: 16:01

At some point you did realize that she was aware of it or, you know, at some point you did realize that she was aware of it. Uh, so I had. So there was a picture, so interesting. Um, my dad, he is considered a true pedophile. So he is attracted to children, and that's what a true, that's really what a pedophile is is when they're attracted to the bodies of a young person, physical attributes that they don't have any, they're not mature. And so when I was a child, he, yes, he did fondle me, but what he was attracted to was picture taking, so pornography. So he would take pictures of me, often in the middle of the night and later on, when I decided not to do that and push back, that's when the physical abuse started and more manipulation, mind control, physical abuse, and that was me pushing back.

Cindy: 17:04

So my dad being, you know, taking these pictures. And he showed me this picture and he said look how beautiful this is. He goes this is going to be our Christmas card. So you know, I'm young, I'm still confused, you know, I think by that time I was like seven or eight and I thought oh, okay, this is going to be dad's happy. You know I rarely see him happy. So this is going to be our Christmas card and I showed it to my mom. But even though I promised not to say anything, I showed it to my mom and my mom just about lost her mind and she was tearing everything up in his office and within that she found the shoe box full of pictures of me and they were all pretty much up in white t-shirts and little socks and my shoes, and sometimes they had me twirling a baton or I was just posing and smiling. Sometimes it was bare bottom, but that's what the attraction was for my father and a lot of people don't realize that pornography child pornography is sexual abuse.

Rose: 18:28

Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, there's different forms, right? So that's, that's not just the physical touch, but but also pornography, and how you even speak to a child. Right and and I think the statistics I think you'd have them somewhere it's like one every six child is abused excuse me, one out of six men, and those are only the reported cases.

Cindy: 18:52

Those are those brave souls that actually went and went to the authorities, reported it and if I think I was not one of those people, I was terrified that I was not going to even survive past 10. I really thought I was going to die. I would think about that all the time, like I hope I can make it, I hope I'm going to make this live, not um, I was just terrified that I would never live, but um, and living in that fear. I always think about how many other people had that same kind of fear or, if they had that fear, still went ahead and reported to the authorities. So the number and the statistic is a lot higher than we think.

Rose: 19:52

And I know one of the things that you want to do is make people more aware of what's happening, and that is a reason, one of the reasons why you wrote your book and in sharing your story. How has this made you heal as well, by writing your memoir and sharing your story with others?

Cindy: 20:16

Well, you're going to find this interesting been one of the hardest things I've ever done, because when we go to a therapist and we share privately and we talk about our pain, our grief, and we work on it, then we heal and we move past that. That's what I would consider successful trauma healing. But if you had to go back after all that process and write everything that had happened and vocalized what had happened, and when you're writing it's very different. It's so that the reader could understand. You know the grief and the pain. You have to really tap back into that pain and that grief so that somebody else, um, perhaps who has not been through this journey, could really understand the depth of the pain. And you write it in those words.

Cindy: 21:17

So in this process I re-traumatized myself I don't even know if that's a word. I traumatized myself all over again, and so then I started to go through backflashes. I dissociated little bits here and there, and I remember throwing my computer on the floor, thinking why am I doing this? What is the point in this? And I would always think about the 10 lives that I could change, the 10 people and the ripple effect in that. Those 10 people and within the 10 people if they could change their selves and change generational trauma and how that could ripple out. It's always the first stone in the water that creates the largest ripple, but it's the hardest one to throw, and I kept on thinking about it, but I can't even tell you how many times I was swearing and crying and thinking about this, because it was hard.

Cindy: 22:20

Then I had to go all the way back to therapy as I was writing this book and I would cry there and try to figure it out, and so I felt compelled and I feel that this was a calling. It was something that I've always wanted to do, but for a person who was sworn to secrecy and really I felt like my voice had been removed and to what I look at it now, I think my voice was never regained to the strength that it is, and I think that is the gift in this book and the gift in talking about this is that I found my voice again, and in a solid way, in a productive way, so that I could educate and inform other people what goes on, and because I think we're very, in some sense, very naive and sheltered about this, because we do not talk about a lot of our sexual behaviors or our thoughts, and this is part of the reason why this perpetuates, and this has been going on since the beginning of time. But through discussion, I do believe through awareness, we could find more solutions or resolution to this, and I think it just starts and initiates with conversation. Yeah, that's my objective.

Rose: 23:46

Yeah, and in a way, you were fortunate enough to have a discussion with your dad towards the end of his life, when he wasn't well, and you maintained a relationship with your dad throughout his life, right, so it was never that you left him or abandoned him. He was ill. You even visited him. He came to your home and you were able to, I guess, get some closure by asking him about this, and you write about that in your book.

Cindy: 24:20

So I do want to say, before I start going on about this, that not everybody's you know you have to do what works for you. If you have somebody that created harm to you or like whatever it may be, I think you have to listen to yourself and understand that maybe encountering this person, maybe being with this person, is not the right thing for you. However, since he was my family, my, he's a family member I've very, I have very I'm crazy rooted into my, my family and I always recognized, from the very beginning, that it was my boundaries. I may not like them, but it's my boundaries that I put on that I have with that person and if and if I living in a household um, I recognize that you know with a monster, how do I have boundaries with this person? So this just didn't occur overnight. It was something that happened through my life, and having my dad around was a hard thing to find boundaries with him, but I was able to establish it and, um, so I did. I was able to put boundaries on my father and still have him in my life.

Cindy: 25:55

I felt that, um, I had a lot of contempt for him. My sister did, and she's a therapist and I really respect her for this. She was like I don't want to see dad, I don't want to be around him, I don't want my children around him. And I thought what a beautiful thing. She knew exactly where she stood. But for me, I thought it's more work, it's more energy to dismiss him. So I was honoring myself and in this process I feel it was the harder road, but I had to have him within the boundaries that I had already established when I was younger.

Cindy: 26:39

So he would come to the door, I would say, even though he denied all the way up until he was practically 80. And that was basically saying okay, dad, you're coming in, you're going to the table, you could go to the bathroom you are not allowed to go into any bedrooms and you could see, you know, be with the family, see everybody, but then that's it. And my dad would say and we probably had this conversation a thousand times every time he came over and I and then he would go, why do you say this? Or he would just sometimes sit there silent, but it was our little dance. And then he would come over.

Cindy: 27:16

And why did I do this? I just felt that and I've always taken the longer road, the harder road, and in this process I was able to be angry and step aside and heal. Be angry and step aside and heal. So that was what I recognized in myself was how I went through my journey. I couldn't. If I were never to see him, I think I wouldn't be this person who I am right now. But I know that my sister has come all the way and she found her journey and we're exactly in the same spot.

Rose: 28:00

Well, everybody's different. You know, I'm listening, I'm hearing you talk about how he used to come over and you used to set those boundaries. Was it almost as if you were? As a young child? You were not able to control the situation, and maybe now you, as he was, you were an adult and he was coming into your home. You were almost controlling his movements. This time.

Cindy: 28:26

Brilliant Rose. I have to say I never really thought about that. I think I have to say, and I know this so when your power has been taken away, you have to reestablish your power, and I think you're right about that. I didn't recognize it in this scenario, but I think that's how I learned. To re-empower myself is put myself in the crosshairs of something and challenge myself how am I going to empower myself in this horrific, scary situation? I think you're right. You're onto it. Yes, you are, and that was great.

Rose: 29:11

And you were also being a mama bear because you had young children in the home and you wanted to make sure they were safe.

Cindy: 29:17

They also were very curious about their grandfather. I didn't know how to. I mean, how do you say, oh well, your grandfather's a pedophile and they're like you know, seven or six and you know, I guess I could have said that. But, um, in a weird, strange way, every time they saw their grandfather they would say he's kind of weird, or I get a funny feeling when I'm around him. I would always say trust that feeling, think about that feeling, think about that when it's that exact same feeling, I want you to recognize that in the world around you. And I really believe that there are a lot of scenarios in life that we dismiss. We dismiss, we dismiss our gut intuition and I feel mine is so developed. And now I look at my children and I have to say it's not only from their grandfather, but it's something that I've talked about, but at least they could feel it.

Cindy: 30:23

It's also interesting that I just did a video with my kids. I've been doing these videos on what was it like to grow up with a pedophile in the family. You know, as a grandfather, and throughout the years I found you know, I would say well, what advice do you have for other families that you could do you know that you would do? What would you suggest? What would you suggest, you know? Did you feel shame, you know? What would you suggest? What would you suggest? You know? What did you feel shame, you know? What would you suggest for other kids? So they've, they've had. I've had these videos where they're talking about it, but now it's interesting, they're now in their thirties.

Cindy: 30:57

My daughter just had a baby. Thank you, thank you. It's so amazing. And my daughter is a therapist. Um, so actually she's a sexual sex therapist and she brought up something very buoyant and that is consent. And she said I don't know if I would have done this, you know, like, at what point do we have consent? So I think that's a very important issue, consent, and something that I need to explore a little bit more.

Cindy: 31:35

They recognize why I told them at different ages, but I think that's something maybe I didn't really think about in my scenario. Maybe it worked for me, but I didn't think about it during that time. Yes, it worked out just fine, but when I listened to my daughter, who's a therapist, and she said, well, what about consent? So that is something to think about and entertain. You don't have to have a pedophile in your family. You could have anybody in your family who is just toxic, and at what point you know you really have to think about your children, how they could handle things if they have outbursts. You know, like at what point do you say no, no, no, no, I'm not dealing with this, or you could come back to it, or I'm, I'm not allowing this person in my life. So I think there is a lot more to be unfolded and this is part of the reason I'm here talking to you. So it's something that we could create more discussions around consent and what works for people.

Rose: 32:39

I've read or I've heard you say that awareness is education and your goal is to bring awareness to this topic. And how do you do that? I know you have Sydney Talks, you have a podcast or you've been on podcasts your book. Can you share some ways in which you are trying and attempt to make people more aware of the signs of sexual abuse and awareness of sexual abuse?

Cindy: 33:05

Well, from what I'm going to go back, I just so people understand where I'm coming from. So I recall, you know, as a child looking for guidance and help. I just wanted to know somebody who survived, who was just not a therapist, not a specialist. I wanted to see somebody in real life who had gone through this and healed and came out on the other end and then actually had a healthy relationship, you know, raise their family and their children. So I was looking for examples of that and I would pick up different books and I was not able to find that. So they were either therapeutic or they were.

Cindy: 33:58

The books were so traumatic that are traumatizing, that I found that it didn't give me any hope, it just traumatized me more. So that was the intent in writing. My book was not. I was very, very cognizant to not to traumatize my reader. That it was like showing the person, when you have trauma, what the journey looks like, what it's just the inspiration of knowing. It's of knowing, of having hope at the end that you can come through and be whole and be a functioning person in society and have a loving relationship and um, and take the wisdom out of trauma, from that trauma and go for it. It doesn't have to be just sexual abuse.

Cindy: 34:53

But, to answer your question, through this process I think we haven't had enough conversations because we're still back at therapeutic or people who have shared their stories where they're traumatizing and we just, I think a lot of people, from the value of what I am doing, they're getting hope and inspiration that they too can carry on, that they too can have a normal life again, that from muck, from destruction, from something that was toxic, that they too can heal and really persevere and thrive in life, and I think that is truly the value and the lesson in what I am talking about. So, through discussion, it's just one person at a time. I also am hoping to get more speaking opportunities where I can talk openly about this, about sexual assault, sexual abuse, and educate others, because people often think that, well, that didn't happen to me and it's certainly not going to happen to my children or anybody in their family. But we don't really know that, we don't know what really happens and a lot of times we don't share. But I find it interesting, men often have the hardest. They are still one out of the six and Ben often have a lot of shame around this. I mean, we're back still in the dark ages, where men don't have a platform to talk about this, and I have had more men come up to me.

Cindy: 36:44

I'm I'm an event planner and I'm doing an event and in this time, somebody will come up or raising you know, for a charity or or what it may be, and a man will come up to me and somebody that I don't know and say, hey, cindy, I follow you. I listened to your, you know, I've listened to this podcast, or um, I see your messaging out there and I just want to say good for you. Or I see your messaging out there and I just want to say good for you. This happened to me and you have given me hope that you know that maybe someday that this will change, or maybe you know, I have found you know, and they'll say X, y, z. This is very valuable tool, but I always push a little further and I always say, well, would you ever be willing to talk about this?

Rose: 37:31

Or like absolutely not.

Cindy: 37:32

I have not shared this with my partner. It's changed my sexuality. I have not been able to share this with anybody and there's too much shame around it. And so when I hear that, yes, I am very happy. But it's always the more that I need to do in speaking out because I feel there are so there's so many people out there who worried about their reputation.

Cindy: 38:03

Maybe a CEO at a company who's just still wounded would love to talk to somebody but can't. Maybe a mom who has children who still struggles with her boundaries about the family, or family saying no, no, no, we think you've made this up, you're lying and we're not going to take this person out of our lives. So it's things like that. How do we negotiate? Because you know, maybe it's a nephew, you know. So it's things like that. How do we negotiate? Because you know, maybe it's a nephew, you know, maybe it's your brother. How do we negotiate? And you know this, and find journeys? You know, find those boundaries in life because they're extremely complicated and they don't just involve one person or two. It involves the family union.

Rose: 38:51

There has to be a starting point where someone like that, who may not be able to say publicly to the family, you know, go to therapy, like your daughter's a therapist, or who helps people who've experienced this. There's a starting point where they you know if you're out there and who've experienced this. There's a starting point where they, some you know if you're out there and you've experienced this there go see a therapist, go find some help, because in the long run, the longer you hold this in, it can affect and spill over into your relationships and even your health.

Rose: 39:23

That is we hold these emotional things and they come out as disease. Right.

Cindy: 39:33

That is actually something that I believe my mother she was sick most of her marriage life and I believe there were a lot of things that she denied and closed her eyes and I think a lot of it manifested in her body.

Cindy: 39:52

But I think just in general. I mean, as you and I know, when we have something that's worrisome, I mean it takes a toll on our body. And if you're fortunate to live a long life, if you think about all those different you know you're putting in all these little pits in your body and when you think about how much of that that you're storing up in your body, it's going to take a toll. And if we could eliminate some of those pits and take them out, just how much I mean you could eat the perfect diet, you could exercise, you could eat the perfect diet, you could exercise, you could do all these things. But it's that, it's that on a cellular level, eliminating that grief and that pain. And sometimes it comes through conversation. It doesn't necessarily have to be conversation. There's a lot of ways to exercise that out of you and take them out. To exercise that out of you and take them out and in your work like, what do you do in your work to take and move out that Energy.

Cindy: 40:59

Energy or those pits yeah.

Rose: 41:02

Well, through yoga it can be done through movement, but as well as Qigong, because Qigong we work with energy and we tune our awareness to where those blocks can occur. And the same with Reiki. So we have blocked energy in our bodies. Issues pain in your chest, you know that could be from heart and grief, asthma, you know, the physical ailments that you're experiencing most likely is a manifestation of blocked energy, and that blocked energy is from emotions that we've experienced that are not processed. So a person who, let's say, someone who lost a husband, and doesn't process that grief and holds on to that grief, eventually they may have issues with breathing or their lungs, or breast cancer or blocked arteries in their heart because you're not processing that energy, that energy is not moving through and you're just keeping those emotions inside. And I think when we spoke once, you mentioned something about having pink eye, I think as a child or something, because I had asked you about did you ever experience any physical ailments growing up?

Cindy: 42:23

So I had constant pink eye and I had gut retching stomach aches all the time. Just it was nonstop. That was all the way up into my teens. And what is what's your gut? Tell me again.

Rose: 42:39

So the gut is the stomach, is associated with worry, is the emotion of worry, and processing that, and also with a large intestines, is grief. So you could have been grieving a life that you didn't maybe have, a childhood that you didn't really have like everybody else because of what happened to you. And then the I's are associated with the liver, and the liver is anger and frustration. So holding on onto anger, maybe in a way that maybe you want it to be feel more poised or in control, or just didn't have someone or an outlet you didn't have an outlet to be like angry. Or someone listened to you, maybe someone you didn't feel you were heard and it manifested in the pink guy, cause it was. You know you didn't have an expression, right, right. But yeah, it's really important to tune in, to know you know if you have a physical ailment, or even if you're, if you don't but you're angry, if you hold onto that anger, it's going to come out somehow.

Cindy: 43:45

Right, right. And when you do yoga, is there something like, for example, what that I could do. That's just something that I could do, maybe daily, to exercise and release something that maybe like my concerns for the day. Just, you know something, maybe five minutes, 10 minutes that I could do.

Rose: 44:09

Well, breath work is very powerful. I think, if you have any moments throughout the day, breath work is really powerful because just using the mind and moving the breath of the body, you can use that breath to move the energy from the base of your spine all the way out through your crown. And there's also any kind of heart opening movement, like just, you know, putting a pillow behind your back and laying on that pillow and opening up your heart space and with the intention of releasing any pent up emotions and anger, because the liver is right underneath the rib cage. So you're opening up that space and you're asking that energy to move through and out of you. With that intention, with your mind, the mind's very powerful. As we know people who are healers and who have experienced what you've experienced you know our mind is very powerful to help us heal. So any movement, physical movement, helps move the energy. But if you can't do that, you can use just the intention, intention, your intention and your breath to move that.

Cindy: 45:09

so, yeah, so if I were to get on, perhaps, like I like the idea of a pillow, but I have my workout equipment I was thinking there's a bench and if I were able to get on the bench and extend my arms up? And lift my chest up and focus on my breathing or sound that that would be able to release some of that stagnant energy.

Rose: 45:39

Correct, yeah, yes. And even movement. Even if you have a workout bench and you have weights in your hand and you're doing these flies and opening and closing, you're releasing that energy as well. You're working the nerves and the muscles around the heart and the lungs and the liver, because you know, it's not just the organs but we have that cellular structure, that fascia and the fascia in the body. Think about it as like a web inside the body that holds all the organs and all the muscles together and all the bones, and it's like a communication system. So when you're healing one area, you're sending that healing throughout the whole body.

Rose: 46:17

So if you're asking to move the energy in your heart space or in your liver area or your throat, oftentimes people that don't express pent up emotions or anything they feel they don't have a voice, have issues with their throat, thyroid issues, a lot of allergies or even neck issues and shoulder issues, because that's all related to the throat, right, yeah? So when we have stuck energy, so, yeah. So a lot of these physical movements is great, just even going outside and shaking the body. So I say outside because being in nature is wonderful. So just go out there and just like shake your arms, shake your legs, shake your shoulders, shake everything and move that energy out.

Cindy: 47:02

Right It'll help release it. What do you feel about dance? I remember when I was young and I couldn't think of anything, I remember just turning on music and humming, just so that I could feel the vibration in my throat because I felt so shut down and dance and it would release. I remember I loved drumming music. I love drums for some reason. Just the vibration of that. Oh, and here you have a drum.

Rose: 47:36

I have a drum. I have a 16 inch drum which I use during Reiki healing for others, because the sound of the drum, the vibration, helps to move and unblock the energy and also help ground a person, because it can sound like the heartbeat of the earth and it can help ground you. So the drum is powerful and the dance is so. You know, native American or Hawaiian or any culture, dances to express themselves and the dance can represent different things. So, yes, dancing is so, so powerful those.

Cindy: 48:13

That's something that all could do in our homes, just opening up our chest. You also mentioned one thing and I wanted to take that with me. It was something that you said um, it was the first thing that you mentioned. It was something about through your spine. What was the yes?

Rose: 48:31

yeah, so you breathe from it, and you could breathe and visualize the energy from the base of your spine up to the crown of your head, or even in the opposite direction, because the base of your spine is ground, it grant grounds you, it's your root chakra, and then you're just, and each chakra is associated with the organs and also emotions that may be blocked. So it's just a very simple way to picture that energy rising from your root all the way up to your crown and just releasing it from your head, your crown chakra or the top of your head.

Cindy: 49:06

Oh, okay, so taking it from your tailbone.

Rose: 49:12

Correct From your tailbone, reading it all the way up.

Cindy: 49:15

You think that, whatever it is you're feeling in your body and picturing like a light or something coming out through the center of your body up to the top of through your head. Is that right through?

Rose: 49:27

the center of your body up to the top of through your head. Is that right? Yes, we have, because we have energy points at the top of our head and also the by way it's called, and also at the base of our spine here again, it's called in Chinese medicine and we can release and draw in energy from either one of those points. We have other energy points in our bodies as well.

Cindy: 49:49

So, Rose, if there was something that, like, say, for example, I was feeling anxious about I don't know, just feeling anxious about something stress, is there like a part where I could put my hands on my body, like, say, for example, my sacrum, so like in the lower part of my back, and just hold my hands there so that it could alleviate some of that anxiety?

Rose: 50:18

Yes, wherever you put your hands, I think you need to tune in and allow the hands to intuitively go anywhere, that they're guided to go, and that'll help you feel good, whether it's on your lower back or maybe even on your heart.

Rose: 50:33

You know, lots of times just putting your hands somewhere on your heart feels good. But yes, if you want to put your hands on your lower back and send that energy there to heal your lower back and to remove some of the anxiety because the anxiety comes from the lower back and your adrenals the adrenal gland, which is part of your uh, lays on top of your kidneys um, feeling grounded, working on the grounding energy, that will help calm you because what it does is it stimulates the sympathetic nervous system, which is the fight and flight, fight, flight. You know you want to kind of fight and the nervous system reacts that way. You want to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is the calming, the balancing, feeling safe. So anxiety is something that a lot of people experience, especially women. I think we take on everybody's emotions, feelings, stuff and it creates this anxiety within us and it creates that lower back pain.

Cindy: 51:45

So I am going to share that with. I have a special needs son, and at work sometimes he just gets anxious, and so he'll call me and say what can I do? This is what I'm feeling, so I'm going to suggest that where he could do that in public, you know, without looking. So he has. He's an epileptic too, so sometimes the anxiety will bring on a seizure.

Cindy: 52:09

So, I will suggest to him then to put his hands on his lower back, where it looks like he's just having some back pain, and maybe rest his eyes towards his keyboard or close his eyes and just take a few minutes and breathe that in.

Cindy: 52:25

When I would dissociate and I would try to stay present, I would often, you know, sitting down because I'm with other people, you know, maybe I'm having dinner or somebody's fighting, and then I would dissociate. So I would kick off my shoes, you know to slip off my shoes, discreetly underneath the table or wherever I was, and I would just rub my toes into the ground so that I would not, you know, go in my own world. Or I would also feel the texture of my pants and rub my pants, you know, like just on my legs, and focus on the texture to bring myself back. And within that rubbing of my legs it was also self-soothing, but I was able to stay present. So those are even, you know, for Brian, my son, who may have seizures, you know, taking some of that anxiety away, so he won't. But also, I think that's a valuable thing If somebody out there has triggers or dissociation and they feel like they're going out in control.

Cindy: 53:37

those are really good things to remember. Just putting your hand, like you said, on your heart and seeing how to calm down your breath and stay present.

Rose: 53:47

That's great we reach for our phones. We want to jump out and get started is to just put your hands over your heart and even on your solar plexus, right below that's your place of empowerment and self-worth and just breathe into the space before you even start the day and set the intention for a great day. It takes one minute, you know, just to breathe and start and just say I'm going to have a great day, it's going to be a calm day. No, to breathe and start and just say I'm going to have a great day, it's going to be a calm day, no anxiety, and everything's just going to happen the way it's supposed to happen and I'm going to be present and grateful for just another day, and just take a few moments to breathe here. And I find that that sets the most wonderful tone for the entire day and it's free and it's really simple.

Cindy: 54:40

I love it. I love anything that's free. Solar plexus is where.

Rose: 54:45

It's right below, where your liver is, right below that, the rib cage. So that's our place of empowerment. So a lot of times, even women, you know you lack, we lack a self worth and feeling like we owned or we're in control. So that's right below there and I always feel that the heart and the solar plexus they go kind of hand in hand. They're like partners, and so I just place my hands there when I start the day.

Cindy: 55:13

Beautiful. I'm going to take that, I'm going to incorporate that in my life. That.

Rose: 55:21

I know you also share. You have other things that you like to do. I know sticky notes is a big thing for you, right and affirmations and, yeah, so many other things that you do share, if you don't mind sharing of course.

Cindy: 55:35

So when I was, I contemplated suicide because I was just self-loathing, and so I tried to find things that were inspirational. So I remember at that time Post-its were not even invented then but we took little pieces of paper and I would tape them to the bathroom mirror. So I would do mantra work, but I didn't know they were mantra work and I would make up my own mantra and at that time I was trying to really focus on just self love and, um, you know, I couldn't even find anything on my body that I really liked, but I did like my front teeth and my eyebrows at that time, and I would say a mantra and then focus on the two things that I loved. And then later on, you know, if you think about how many times you brush your teeth, how many times you go to the bathroom, how many times you know you wash your hands throughout the day, you know it ends up being like in the hundreds. And so if you even though, if you don't believe it, it actually does a shift by saying it, looking into the mirror, watching yourself, it does make a shift. And later on it became a lot more elaborate, it became sticky notes and I would have inspirational quotes, things that somebody would say to me, and I would write it down. And when it didn't resonate it I tear it off. And sometimes that they were so good, I tear it off. And sometimes that they were so good I would keep them in a file and put them back on my mirror, maybe the following year or maybe the next week, but that was something that really worked for me. And just to think that a word can own you or a thought can own you was oh boy. It still makes me angry, just to think that that could take over you.

Cindy: 57:36

So what I would do as a teenager I would write those words, those thoughts, those messages, and I'd write them in felt pen. I would take them into the shower and kind of put them off to the side and I'd watch the words dribble off the paper. And in that process, you know, later on it became a lot more sophisticated. I didn't need to take the paper in, but I would picture the words washing, you know, like take, maybe ugly. I would dump the word ugly on top of my head and then wash the word ugly off and then look down at the drain and see ugly go down the drain. So it became a lot of visualization and that was another exercise I did.

Cindy: 58:26

I lived in Spain. I didn't really have, first of all we didn't have the internet, and I had to make up my own things that worked for me. So those were. That was some of the things I did. The mantras those were. That was some of the things I did. You know the mantras, inspirational quotes, letting words own me.

Cindy: 58:45

Nature became a very big tool in healing. Those are all free too. I started that off really early. That's why the book is called Under the Orange Blossoms is because I would run away to the orchard we lived in rural Arizona, I believe I just said that, but I would run away inside there and hide, basically, and I found sanctuary in there, these beautiful trees that grew up in the mud and their roots were slightly extended and I would picture myself you know, I'm growing up in the mud and they would either have feast or famine, because a lot of times you would flood the roots of this plant and then they would dry and become crackly and they would start the process all over again and I would think like that was me.

Cindy: 59:37

That's what I related to again, and I would think like that was me, that's what I related to, and I could scream at the trees, and the trees didn't spring back at me, they just shielded me, and so in a lot of ways, the plants became my parents. I would look at them and think this is how I would like my parents to be right now. So I think we could find a lot of things after that. You know, just the smell beautiful smells became a thing and we could create our own sanctuary within our house with, you know, candles. You don't have to have a candle either, but that happened to be, since we're very, they say, that is one of the things.

Cindy: 1:00:18

Um, still to this day, cinnamon is really hard for me, because my dad would come in my room. I happened to have a cinnamon candle and, through the trauma, I would smell only the cinnamon or um. So it took me a while to get back and find, you know, think about the holidays and think about cinnamon and um. But so there's a lot of things that we can do that are stimulating just through sensories and nature. So those were a lot of things to just working in there, um, in our spaces that we don't have to go out, creating your own beautiful sanctuary and space and honoring that. You know your places, you know where you look and go. Oh, this is a good place, and having multiple of them.

Rose: 1:01:05

I'm so grateful that you were here to share your story and your wonderful wisdom and everything that you do. I'm so blessed that you were here today.

Cindy: 1:01:17

Likewise, likewise, and I have to say I really value and I hope that other listeners find the value in what the exercises of what you were talking about with anxiety and just giving, being grateful and telling yourself that you are going to have a good day and if you have a hiccup, put your hand back on there and you are going to have, you're going to make it through this day. So that was I hope other people find value in.

Rose: 1:01:48

Well, thank you for asking. No one has ever asked me. I felt that was interviewed, that was really nice. But what I would like to ask you is just you know, for anybody out there listening that is a victim or even not a victim, or knows people, can you just give them a message? One last message.

Cindy: 1:02:06

Absolutely. You know, no one's exempt of trauma. That is the reality of our human existence. Here we are not exempt of trauma. This happens to be just my story and we all, whatever it is we do, come through and if you believe, if you truly, truly believe, there will be a way for you to come out on the other side. And there is light on the other side and there's hope. I hope that you pick up my book. It's not as traumatizing as you may think it is. It's actually a book of inspiration and hope. It's just to read somebody else's journey and recognize that you too will come out on the other side and thrive.

Rose: 1:03:03

Thank you so much, Cindy, for being here today. I truly appreciate it and in the show notes I will include everything, including Cindy's book, where you can find Cindy. And, once again, thank you so much for being here today.

Cindy: 1:03:16

It's an honor Rose. Thank you.

Rose: 1:03:22

Thank you for joining me here on Chat Off The Mat. I hope these stories have inspired you. If you've enjoyed this episode, please share it with those who might benefit. Your support helps me spread awareness about the power of transformative healing. Stay connected with me on social media. Reach out with your own healing stories or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes. Your voice is an essential part of this community. I hope that your healing journey is filled with self-discovery, curiosity, resilience and the unwavering belief in the power that resides within you. Until next time, I'm Rose Whippage, wishing you a journey filled with love, laughter and endless possibilities.